I have been reading a lot of self-help books lately (you can catch the reviews on my blog) and have noticed a common theme – embracing the NOW. I have decided to try and be more present in my life and live each moment as if it will be my last cause ultimately who knows what’s next right? I want to do things in the moment that my future self can benefit from and will be proud to know I did. For example, starting now I am going to make a more conscious effort to go to the gym and exercise. I have also decided to try taking up my half marathon training again. Granted it will probably be a slow start but everyone needs to start somewhere.
I want to focus more on the things I enjoy like reading, bike riding, longboarding, etc. I need to stop making excuses like “Oh, I can get around to doing that later.” The time is now and I need to start acting like it. I also need to let go of my past and conclusions I have made about myself throughout these twenty six odd years of life. I refuse to be a victim to my past and am taking my power back. So what if I had two psychotic breaks? It doesn’t mean I should avoid people and treat myself like a leper. I want to get to the point where I am applying for jobs and starting to build a life for myself again. I know this will take time and some much needed work on myself (that’s what all the self-help books are for!)
My main priority in this point in time, in this now, is my health. I mentioned earlier in “The Pitfalls of Bipolar Disorder” that it had been five years since I had been to a dentist and that I finally went to get an exam done on my teeth. The verdict is in – they’re fucked up! But anyways I have already started work on them and had two cleaning appointments with freezings – that means those needles I have been avoiding I finally confronted. I am sincerely proud of myself because I am irrationally afraid of the dentist thus the five year hiatus. I have to have a bazillion fillings , however, which means more needles for me, Yay! NOT. But rather than shrink away or avoid it like I used to do I have decided to face it head on.
I also need to have oral surgery to remove four of my wisdom teeth. Now the idea of surgery would scare the shit out of me but rather than let my anxiety spiral me into a deep depression like I used to, I have decided to use some logic thinking and coping skills to overcome it. I am distracting myself with positive things like going to the movies, going for a jog, or reading a book until doom’s day. I am also thinking it through rationally, “Everyone gets their wisdom teeth out and they survived. You will feel discomfort for a week or so but you will be fine and ultimately survive this.”
Another aspect of my health I am working on is my smoking. As you have read in my previous blog posts I am now sober from marijuana going on four months! But I have become a horrible chain smoker to cope with this. I have decided it’s finally time to let go of yet another filthy habit. I will be going to my first appointment this Wednesday with a smoking cessation counsellor and will begin my journey to quit smoking officially next week. I have tried quitting before and only ended up smoking again but this time I am more motivated and have quitting pot under my belt already so I feel more confident I can handle this.
In general, I just want to be more mindful of what I am thinking and doing in my life. I want to look back on my life and know I lived every moment to its fullest potential. I will start engaging in more activities geared towards improving my physical and mental health this month and hope to make a habit of it. I know this won’t be easy but I think I am finally up to the challenge. Can you teach an old dog new tricks? Well I sure as hell plan to fucking find out.
Stay Tuned for more updates! And a fun thing I have decided is that I am not too old for Halloween this year! I was struggling with my age and whether or not it is appropriate still to dress up and go out. I have decided “fuck it! you only live once!” I am being a mermaid ergo the picture at the top of this blog post of me in costume.
Live in the Now and Cut yourself a break every once in awhile. Your past does not define you. It is up to you to live in THIS moment and OWN it.