I am experiencing a metamorphosis and I can feel my bones breaking and bending into a newer, more brilliant version of myself. It’s uncomfortable yet liberating. I am finally realizing what serves me; what works in my life and what does not. It is uncomfortable because I am doing some heavy healing and acknowledging I have resorted to some pretty serious self-sabotaging behaviours in the past. I am working on taking care of my mind and body in a healthy, productive way, moving forward.
What does this mean?
The NF lyrics, “I’m in a headspace I ain’t never been before
You don’t bring nothin’ to my life then I exit yours,” comes to mind. This means if it doesn’t serve a purpose in my life then I am not entertaining it. I want to grow, learn and make a difference in my short life span. I do not have time for bullshit, for games, and I don’t just mean that with other people but also with myself. If I recognize a self-sabotaging behaviour from now on I am going to acknowledge it and make a conscious effort to correct it or at the very least work on changing it until it’s a non-issue.
I hid for years behind drugs, flashy experiences and running away from my skills and talent simply because I was fearful. I was fearful I would not be accepted or understood and quite frankly I no longer give a shit. I have bigger dreams to fry so to speak. From a young age I was judged for my ambition and was told not to shoot for the stars in case I may be disappointed. Bitch, I’m a shoot for the moon now! I am not making myself smaller anymore to be easier to digest. Take me or leave me, I don’t care either way. Sorry, not sorry, as the saying goes.
So what am I doing now?
I am putting all my weight behind my big lofty goals, the ones I was too scared to admit I had. I realized through some rigorous research and analysis of my values and needs that I value complete freedom. I like to lead and am extremely self-motivated. I have been an entrepreneur for a few years now having owned my own business BG Design Illustrations. I had clients here and there but never attempted to put my weight behind it, hiding behind excuses like, “I’m still in school, I can’t afford the time to market it and network…I don’t have the money to invest in advertising…etc, etc….blah blah blah. I was hiding behind excuses scared to admit this is what I want: to properly launch my business, and scared to invest my time and effort if it flopped.
Well…fuck it! If it flops, it flops at least I died trying so to speak.
I am experiencing a metamorphosis in that my mindset is developing into a more productive, positive headspace to be in. “I got me,” so to speak and I can’t stop smiling knowing that moving forward I will be honouring my values and needs, regardless of the opinions of others or my anxious fears. You got you for life and if you don’t shoot your shot, you’ll always wonder, “well what if I just did this?”
I’m done wondering, I’m just going to fucking do it. This way I can die not resenting myself and that feels quite frankly fucking amazing.
So until next time…
All My Love,
P.S. shameless self-promotion…check out my insta @bgdesignillustrations