“Don’t know what’s around the bend
-NF
Don’t know what my future is”
I’m hearing these lyrics at roughly two in the morning after a long night of chipping away at writing my manuscript and never have I related or had lyrics resonate with me so much. I don’t know what my future holds and it makes me uneasy but I am optimistic it will serve me and represent who I am as a person. I have many talents: writing, creating art, graphic design, counselling and I am growing confused as to what route or avenue my life will take. What talent will shine through the most? Or will it involve a medley of my talents?
I want a variety of things for my future and have decided to keep my hopes vague in general so not to disappoint myself since the last time I banked on a future, I lost my sanity, ended up in the psych ward and now have an entire memoir’s worth of content to write about next level experiences that happened to me, all of which were not according to my plan or my original idea for the future I envisioned for myself.
I am learning to compromise in life, to compromise with expectations. It took me nearly thirty years to figure out life will follow it’s own natural ebb and flow regardless of what you expect or think you deserve. I am optimistic, however, that what is meant for me will be for me. I do genuinely believe that and on days I lose hope, or ground, I remember this statement. It comforts me. If I am authentic with my intentions for my ideal future, I can aim and land the mark at least slightly in the ballpark of what I envisioned…I believe this.
So what does my future entail? It entails me using my natural gifts and abilities to serve myself and others, to connect and bring people together through my art, the mental health community in particular I hope. Will it be as a a graphic designer for a non-profit? As a writer who shares and publishes her story battling bipolar? As a curator who organizes events to educate on mental health awareness?
I don’t know. This makes me uneasy but I rest comfortably in the resolve that I will do SOMETHING….something meaningful, impactful because I value connection, education and authenticity. I will make a difference because quite simply, I refuse not to.
Resting Uneasy,
All my Love,
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,
BiPolarMania