I wrote three years ago a blog post titled “It’s My Birthday And I’ll Cry If I Want To.” In this blog post I outline how easy it is to fall trap to reflecting on all the missed opportunities or paths not taken on your birthday, “Thoughts like “I should have had a degree by now” or “I should already be in a career by now” or even “I should be married by now” inevitably creep up and sometimes you feel like banging your head against the wall instead of cutting your cake and appreciating what you DO HAVE. With it being a pivotal birthday for me, a midpoint of sorts, I could not stop these thoughts from intruding my mind. 30 is a milestone and If I’m being completely honest I had pictured my life completely different from what it currently is. I was always a master planner and had every milestone mapped out in my mind but life don’t play fair, Baby.
I had a plan to go to Carleton University for an undergraduate, a Masters at York or U of T, then a Phd abroad or at Concordia. By 30, I was planning to be a young professor owning academia teaching at a reputable University. What does the saying go? About plans? God pisses all over them or whatever…something like that. The point is my life did NOT go according to plan. I did not anticipate losing my sanity at the ripe age of 22, detouring my education, and being saddled with a very serious mental health diagnosis. Suddenly I was fighting to breathe let alone chase my dreams. My mind warred with itself and nearly hit the self-destruct button. Thankfully, I am here today and here to say give yourself grace. Things change, wills bend and your plans become just that – simply plans.
I’m 30 and renting a room in my parent’s basement, cracking away at another diploma in a program I never anticipated or ever saw myself doing. It’s interesting, however, because graphic design seems to have been my original calling and perhaps I had to take a mental detour to arrive at that conclusion. I could have done without my original dreams imploding in my face but hey, I always said I tend to learn things the hard way. The point is there is a silver lining to everything if you’re willing to see it – find it and hold on to it. It will help you in your darkest days.
So I’m 30. So what? It’s an arbitrary number. Long as I am living my life authentically striving for my greatness then it all comes out in the wash. Ok, I may not have much tangibly to show for my struggles but mentally I became a warrior due to the experiences I’ve had. I have self respect and worth, I have drive and passion and I’m not afraid to strive for something better when faced with challenges. I don’t back down…EVER. If I feel in my heart I want or need something, I work towards it ruthlessly. I will get this diploma (I’m working towards), I will write this manuscript and eventually publish my book and I will share my art with the world. I am confident I can bring these things to fruition but I am now more wise and aware to realize they will come with time and patience. You can’t enforce mediocre timelines on goals or dreams because they will enfold and present themselves to you when the timing is right. Sorry, that’s not for you to decide.
However with this “30 milestone,” I have realized I am neglecting my goals and know it’s now game time. I am going to fight and work harder for what I want moving forward because I know I am worth it and my dreams are and were meant to be realized. Have faith in the process, accept the bends and curves in your path because they are leading you to where you need to truly be. If something doesn’t follow through, it’s not on you. I’m not sweating cause what was meant to be will be, for me.
All My Love,
Owning The Dirty 30’s,
BiPolarMania
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
I’m about to turn 30 too! Good luck in your studies!