depression

Every one suffers depression differently. I personally experience it in different ways and in waves. Some days I don’t even want to leave bed and will lay there for twenty odd hours, and other days I blaze all day to get by. I am either hiding or lighting up lately. I am not proud of it but that’s how I cope. I’ve had days my brain felt like a computer I just wanted to turn off.

The overthinking kills me. I can think of a million and one ways a situation can go wrong and talk myself out of putting myself in that position in the first place. I miss a lot of opportunities for growth because my anxiety gets the better of me. I talk myself out of trying things I want to do because I cannot imagine anything going right. After the shit I’ve seen and experienced, I don’t think I could ever be under the illusion of anything but that expectation. Things in my life have a tendency of going to shit…and that’s an objective observation in my opinion.

I think so much that I never end up actually doing anything, if that makes sense? I never want to do anything cause I don’t want to be wasting my time but in thinking about wasting my time, I actually end up wasting my time. For example, I think at times I would like to paint or write but then decide not to in case I invest a bunch of time only to find out that I have created something of no value. This is my depressed brain overthinking and thinking negatively. I realize I could actually end up creating something very cool and if not then it would be great practice.

It becomes a bit of a vicious cycle in that my depression leads to a lack of interest in activities, and my lack of participation in activities that interest me make me depressed. I become upset with myself because I cannot enjoy the things I love to do. I become cut off from a part of myself and that is probably the most depressing part of it all – this loss of self. You can remember a time when things did not feel this way and suddenly you feel more alone because you don’t understand why things can’t be that way again.

My depression looks like me looking in the mirror every day and deciding “You’re not enough.” I do not like my current situation nor do I really like myself these days so I feel I have nothing to be positive about. I realize, again, this is my depression speaking. I have plenty to be thankful for and maybe my life needed to take this detour or break as you will to mentally recharge. This is a marathon after all and not a race. When I see it for what it is, my life has taken an unexpected turn and lull to teach me a lesson – never take it for granted.

I would like to start to be more mindful. I want to be more present in a moment, to appreciate it as it passes. To celebrate it rather than mourn it later. I want to do things that make me happier like going for a run. Running has always been a large part of my life but through my depression, I have lost that. I do, however, realize it could be something that actually alleviates some symptoms of my depression. I will be making more of a conscious effort to run and go to the gym in general this month and I shall see if my depression recedes a little. I may feel stuck right now but if I can begin to physically move more, than maybe I’ll be able to move more mentally. Only time shall see.

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