Most of my anxiety stems from the fact that I have no clue where my life is headed. Everything is very uncertain right now as I’ve been battling bipolar disorder for the past couple years. I have yet to really put myself back out in the world regarding school and work. I’ve had the odd job here and there but due to crippling anxiety always quit and bail within a few months of working. I don’t like to stay in any one place too long because I have a fear people will see my worth and determine I am worthless. I realize this is an irrational fear but when it plays on repeat in your brain all day, every day you begin to believe it.
I would pursue educational goals but sadly lack the financial resources. I am debating taking a credit online towards my Bachelor’s but have too much anxiety about whether my brain can handle it, to really make it a goal. I have this fear that ever since experiencing mania my brain has degenerated in some way because I lack concentration and have poor memory since being hospitalized. So for now, my education is on the back burner and has been for quite some time.
I think a lot about what I should be doing with my life and I honestly come up with no answers other than that I should take each day as it comes. I have decided to focus on myself for now and do things to build my confidence up before pursuing any lofty goals, like throwing myself into the workforce or trying my hand at a degree. I want to take baby steps like firstly get sober. I think if I can approach the world with a sober mind then I will be equipped with the means necessary to handle whatever it throws at me.
One major goal for me is to get back into the gym. When I’m working out and I see results, it makes me feel good about myself. I want that again. Another goal is to blog more which I am currently doing. I also want to create, create, create. I have been painting a lot lately and volunteering at the local art store. I want to be as productive with my time as possible and focusing on these things in my life helps make me sane.
So Where Is My Life Headed?
When I am objective and positive I am more certain that my life is headed in the right direction and that my mental health and various hospitalizations were just a detour. I believe I am taking steps forward to become the person I want to be which is a caring, artistic, and insightful person. My life may not be going according to plan but it is as it should be. I am exactly where I need to be and am supposed to be.