FearANDSelf-Loathing breakups, health, hope, love, mentalhealth, recovery, relationships, Uncategorized, writing

I’m Conscious Of Not Making Monsters Outta My Exes

There is a verse in a very popular song by Drake from his “Take Care” album (my favourite of all time) that comes to mind as I contemplate something one of my exes (and now really good friends) said to me today. It is verse three from the song “Marvin’s Room:” “I think I’m addicted to naked pictures/ And sitting talking ’bout bitches that we almost had/ I don’t think I’m conscious of makin’ monsters / Outta the women I sponsor ’til it all goes bad.” He mentioned that he appreciates and values the way I talk about my exes, referring to not only him but every and any ex I ever bring up. I was severely confused as to what he was getting at and asked what he meant by that statement.

“You never put your exes down. You speak objectively and highly of everyone you have dated. You always mention honestly the traits or qualities that got in the way of the relationship fully developing any further but you also make a point to highlight the redeeming qualities they had or memories that touched you.”

I realized he has a point but it took me nearly a decade of self-discovery and throwing myself in and out of relationships to develop this emotional maturity. I will not negate the lesson that a person brings to my life and I genuinely believe everyone comes into your life for a reason. Each relationship is an opportunity for growth and the same idea relates to the end of one. I learn different aspects of myself every time I explore the mind, soul and body of another. Each ex has helped me explore my life in a different way and I will forever be grateful for that.

It’s easy to get caught up in or hurt by the idea of rejection but when you view it as I do – as a stepping stone to a better truth – it ceases to lose its power over you. Each failed relationship taught you something whether you want to admit It or can see it. Like Drake said, “I don’t think I’m conscious of making’ monsters/ Outta the women I sponsor ’til it all goes bad.” The truth is I let that person into my life for a reason, at some point they brought joy or value to it. I cannot negate all the positive experiences with the negative ones and fall trap to bitterness and “talking shit about exes.”

I can however, be honest and realistic about their shortcomings when discussing why my relationships failed with my friends but I am also brutally honest with my own and where I learned due to that experience, where I need and could grow. We are constantly evolving and sometimes certain people who come into our life romantically aren’t ready to grow at the pace we are, or we realize we do not share the same values, or often cases we outgrow them. That’s ok…Learn, Move on, and Become Better For It.

Talk shit if it makes you feel better, I don’t really care what you do to cope but I would like you to consider shifting perspectives. I want you to consider re-evaluating why people walk into your life. I believe everyone walks in and out of your life with a purpose and a meaning. Their presence was meant to show you something that you either really want or often exactly what you don’t want. Both are valuable to understand about oneself.

We’re constantly learning and changing what we value, think, belief, etc. Do not be afraid to let go of something or someone that no longer aligns with who you are. It’s ok to change up the game when something is not working. Do not ever regret the beginning or the end of an experience because it was meant to happen to you – to change and evolve you.

I talk objectively about the relationships I have had (highlighting both the negative and positive) because to genuinely learn and grow from it, I must be honest with myself. I am not going to make someone out to be a monster because they lacked the communication skills or emotional intelligence I have. I also won’t hold it against exes who treated me disrespectfully since they were the most valuable lesson of all – to stand up for myself and love myself enough to walk away. But most importantly I need to address that I don’t blame exes who left me because I did not measure up to their expectations of what they think they deserve.

Love isn’t a race. There’s no rush. Be open to the idea that someone may be a lesson, and not your “forever.” If you shift your perspective in this way I promise you’ll feel better about the failure of a relationship. You might even come to enjoy them more as opportunities to learn about yourself and less about the feeling of rejection. You don’t have to be that bitter ex talking shit about your ex if you don’t want to be. Let it go, see the bigger picture, especially and even if they don’t. This life is yours and you’re wasting energy holding onto things that no longer serve you. Remember, and don’t necessarily forget, but move on. Allow yourself and them the grace of being human.

It’s easy to make monsters out of the relationships that went bad but it shows strength to want to find the good in them and let it go.

All My Love,

Forever Letting Go,

xoxoxoxoxo,

BiPolarMania

FearANDSelf-Loathing bipolardisorder, emergingblogger, health, love, mentalhealth, recovery, relationships, Uncategorized

Rebounds Only Delay The Inevitable Need For Healing

 A rebound relationship is defined as, “A relationship initiated shortly after a romantic breakup – before the feelings about the former relationship have been resolved,” according to a research study conducted by Brumbaugh and Fraley.

I have never been so called out in my life when reading this definition, sitting back analyzing my most recent failed relationship or rather “rebound” that lasted six months.

I never took the time to heal from a loving and very supportive relationship that lasted nearly three years. It came to a natural end when he confessed his struggle with gender dysphoria and the desire to transition into a woman.

Could you imagine unpacking all those feelings? First, resentment because I got attached and wasn’t told sooner, then despair because I genuinely loved him but couldn’t continue with “her” since I am not, contrary to my sexually fluid youth, a lesbian. This wasn’t something that could easily be overcome or fought for because if it was, we’d still be together.

Picture yourself dealing with a confusing orchestra of doubt in your head about love and whether you will ever find or deserve it again, when in walks a man who catches your eye. He seems to notice you when no one else does and though you’re in a crowded room his concentration is only on you. You begin to wonder, “maybe losing the last relationship was meant to happen to bring me to this person? Perhaps that loss was actually a part of a longer journey to this truer love instead?”

The problem when you’re a hopeless romantic, hurting in the throes of a break-up, is you tend to dawn rose-coloured glasses. What should have been a short-lived relationship equivalent to a summer fling or a one-night stand, painfully drags on. I wore glasses tainted with idealization because it was easier to perceive what I wanted to believe than confront the fact I was only looking for comfort to distract myself from painful feelings – mainly loneliness.

I’m sad, angry, confused, happy, and a whole other slew of emotions that seem to come and go. Though this may feel intense and overwhelming, it’s beautiful. I am no longer numb, mindlessly going through the paces of a relationship going nowhere fast.

-Brittany Gushue

I ignored his lack of communication, attention and affection to keep distracted and at the end of the day that’s all it was – a band aid for a bullet wound. I didn’t know it yet but he would become my rebound, my “second best,” because honestly all he was ever good for was distracting me from my ex, the person I legitimately loved. He was a band-aid for the bullet-sized hole “she” had left on my soul. She left a mark, an impression on my heart that no one had before.

I did not want to face all those messy feelings that made me uncomfortable so I settled for mediocrity in a new relationship to keep the charade that I was “fine” alive. I am and was not okay when I lost who I thought was the love of my life. I ran into the arms of another person looking for comfort to distract myself from acknowledging this – accepting I had experienced a loss.

When the fog of distraction lifted, I found myself in the worst relationship I had ever been in. He was jealous, aloof, uncommunicative and unwilling to change. He was always this way. The rose coloured glasses came off when I decided to walk away and face the delayed inevitable need for healing.

My rebound was second best in that he distracted me from my previous relationship and a person I was struggling to let go of, but also because he distracted me from myself. The most important relationship I will ever have in this life is the one I have with myself. If I am being honest I have a lot more growing to do and exploring the dynamics of Me, Myself and I before I can begin to fathom letting someone back in to my heart. That’s okay because one day I will be in a better place to accept and recognize the next great love of my life.

The fact is, I’m newly single yet I feel like I’m exactly where I was six months ago before this rebound ended. I refused to let go of him sooner, hiding from facing the pain of my previous failed relationship. Now I must confront those feelings again, the ones I buried by throwing myself into a new relationship instead of healing and exploring myself first.

I’m sad, angry, confused, happy, and a whole other slew of emotions that seem to come and go. Though this may feel intense and overwhelming, it’s beautiful. I am no longer numb, mindlessly going through the paces of a relationship going nowhere fast. Allow yourself the time and grace to heal, to properly grieve before moving on or you’ll find yourself like me – holding onto somebody for the sake of holding on and delaying the inevitable need for healing.

All My Love, Forever Healing,

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo,

BiPolarMania

FearANDSelf-Loathing blog, depression, emergingblogger, health, hope, hope, mentalhealth, recovery, relationships, Uncategorized, writing

“Just Keep It Movin…”

I listen to a lot of music lately (who am I kidding, I always do) but one artist has really stood out for me as a new great addition to my music library – Kiana Ledé. Her r&b vibes, smooth yet sexy voice, honest and clever lyrics make her a powerhouse of a female singer. I am drawn to her naturally during a time (post-break up) where I want to emulate her – a strong, beautiful, independent woman. The song that captured my attention right away was “cancelled.” as I can relate to it way too much right now. The beginning lyrics had me sold right away and I usually tune in or out of a new song within the first verse and she killed it, “I am a single queen, you know the fuckin’ vibes. Fuck men these days, fuck them all. They will hurt everyone’s feelings and fuck them all.” I could immediately identify with being a “single queen” and being over men to the point I am ready to say “fuck them all” myself – at least for now.

This song repeats “you know the vibes, vibes vibes” as its chorus tying back to the original verse and being a single queen. The fact is being single IS A VIBE – I am starting to realize and own again. There is a certain peace of mind when you are single that you can do, say and act however the fuck you want. I am not constantly thinking how my partner will interpret me and just doing me. I do not stress over whether him not texting me all day means he was busy? or because he just simply doesn’t give a shit about me? I am not insecure more than anything which I love! You would think the opposite would be true – having a relationship end usually fucks with the self-esteem. However, for me, this particular relationship ending boosted my confidence. I feel I can be my playful, sarcastic, insightful self again and one day maybe, someone won’t make me want to hide away those parts of me.

The third verse of “Cancelled.” also struck home cause I know it’s true but I needed to be reminded of it: “And you gorgeous, Fuckin’ gorgeous. You got options. Made bad choices. Only cry so much ‘Cause he lied too much. You don’t need nobody.” I felt like the end of my relationship was the end at my chance of love forever but I know I was being dramatic. Firstly, cause I never felt anything resembling love for this boy. Secondly, like Kiana sings in “Cancelled.,” “You gorgeous, Fuckin’ gorgeous. You got options. Made bad choices.” I have options for sure such as the option to explore myself instead of jumping into relationship after relationship. I made a bad choice by dating this boy but it isn’t the be all, end all. There will be other opportunities to grow, to love.

I have decided to “Just Keep It Movin” like Kiana sings in “Movin” (another great song!). I could easily fall apart and let the disappointment overcome me but I choose to move forward and focus on myself and my goals. The ironic thing is I lost site of them in my previous relationship – my goals. I was completely distracted and lost my sense of purpose in this life. I am excited to rediscover that, my purpose, and start working towards what I deem meaningful.

“Stay movin’
Yeah, just keep it movin’
Don’t let that little shit get to you, fuck up your groove
Yeah, stay movin’
Just keep it movin’ ” – Kiana Ledé (“Movin.”)

I am not going to get caught up in those post-break-up traps such as questioning my inherent value and whether or not I will ever be loved authentically. These hang ups are not nearly as important as what I need to discover – my life’s work. I want to take some time to figure out what I can do to get myself to a point to truly empower people – specifically young women with mental health issues. For now…I write this blog, but it’s not enough. I am finally in a place to admit that and work on finding my way into this world.

Always Moving Foward,

All My Love,

XOXOXOXOXO,

BiPolarMania

FearANDSelf-Loathing addiction, art, bipolardisorder, blog, depression, education, relationships

Where Do I Begin and Where Do I End?

I tend to shy away about talking about my relationships on here because I tend to treat them as sacred. But I realize that would be negating a big part of my life that my readers may relate to and honestly, walk with me through this break up, and I will have you better on the other side for it – because I generally have a level head when it comes to relationships and the sometimes inevitable ends of them. I can experience the pain of rejection, loss, and missed opportunities wash over me but I will forever be rational in the way I choose to interpret these feelings.

The simple fact is and what I genuinely believe: what is meant for me will be meant for me. Basically, if he walked then I am actually one step closer to where I am supposed to be – clearly not with him. I gave this person so many opportunities to rise up and grow with me but unfortunately he was not interested – and that’s ok! That’s on him and not me. But what IS on me is the question I have been asking myself the past few days since breaking up and that is: “Where Do I Begin and Where Do I End?”

The fact is whether I want to admit it or not, I made myself smaller than life for him. Let me explain that… I kept quiet all the pieces that make me uniquely me and that I adore personally – that I am passionate about writing, mental health advocacy and most importantly and unfortunately I kept quiet my belief that everyone deserves a certain level of respect in a relationship (whether romantic or not but most especially romantic). I accepted less than I deserved from this person CONSISTENTLY, seriously I am debating whether I am a sadist at this point, hmmm…?

Things I let slide that I would never tolerate before, or let alone accept my friends to let slide in their own romantic endeavours. I became a less shiny, push over version of myself that quite frankly I feel as though I must have fell down the rabbit hole to some alternate universe that I ever became this version of myself – it’s my least impressive version yet. I’m starting to wonder am I “mousy?” as in a meek person in general or was I so blinded by this person’s potential love (key word potential because he was giving me nothing to go on from the start) that I made myself dull to be more accommodating or “easier to love?”

I am used to being called “Firecracker!” by strangers who meet me the first time, and told I have an energy that is delightful but I fell trap to this rebound that lasted six months too long. If I am being honest I made myself into a gray version of myself because not only did I want so desperately to be in a relationship (having ended a very serious three year one before this), I also on some deep internal level did not trust this person to see ALL of me. And again, that’s ok! But I should have trusted my instincts that consistently screamed “Get Out Now!” instead of continuing to make myself small for a person who honestly was worthless.

Never have I been consistently treated like garbage since my early 20s – when girls typically let all kinds of shady shit slide. I somehow convinced myself that’s what I deserved and that maybe that’s how a “normal” relationship is supposed to work, and I just didn’t get the memo. My gut told me “to walk” over and over again and with each ignorance of my instinct, I became even duller in my opinion.

At the dark core at it (sorry to bring it back to the dark place), I was simply afraid to be alone – to die alone. My clock is ticking and I can hear it mocking me, “You need to settle now to have someone in the bitter end.” But honestly fuck you! To people who drive this cookie cutter idea of what love is supposed to be down our throats. I want to stand alone in the end, loving myself, and if someone joins me, that’ll just be the icing on an already delicious cake!

So Where Do I Begin and Where Do I End? I’m still figuring it out but I am taking the time to do that. I do know I shine brighter when by myself and after each break up, I return to an even better version of who I am. I’m learning…and if my unnecessarily long rebound taught me anything – it taught me to take time to heal and sort through the mental baggage that comes from all those scary and real feelings when something that you thought would be special comes to be trashed.

I will not make myself smaller to fit into anyone’s misguided idea of a box for me,

Taking Time to Heal,

All my Love,

xoxoxoxoxoxo,

BiPolarMania

FearANDSelf-Loathing addiction, bipolardisorder, blog, depression, emergingblogger, health, hope, mentalhealth, recovery, Uncategorized

Sever the Tie. Let That Shit Go.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with the idea of who I want to keep and who I want to cut out of my life. I am at a point in my life where if a relationship is not serving me in some way than I do not feel it’s necessary to hold on to. I don’t think this is selfish but rather a very healthy mindset to have. At the end of the day, you have YOU for life (as I always like to say) and if the people in your life are not helping you grow, realizing your worth and value, or bringing some positive aspect to it than what really is the point?

Sever the Tie. Let That Shit Go.

I am too old for meaningless encounters and toxic people who only hold me back or make me question my value. I think it’s important to take stalk of your relationships as they develop and whether these people are growing with you or whether you’ve outgrown them. It’s okay to feel sad that a friendship or any relationship for that matter has reached its inevitable end. It’s okay to say “I’ve had enough” of being treated a certain way or had enough of the negative energy any one person may bring to your universe.

Let That Shit Go. Release The Toxicity.

I think what is key to ask yourself when analyzing these relationships is, “What does this person bring to my life?”  Are they a light? Or are they casting a shadow on your well-being? If keeping someone in your life is proving detrimental to your overall mental health, I hate to break it to you but it’s probably time to walk away.

At the end of the day, I want to be appreciated for well, being ME. I try to be as authentic as possible with how I present myself and tend to lay all the cards on the table. If that’s not enough or if someone does not appreciate where I am coming from in this life, then I am sorry but I choose ME and ultimately will walk away.

I guess what I am trying to say is you have one life, and the people you choose to include in it will affect your growth and potential exponentially. Keep your circle tight. Choose people who see your light and who root for you, who treat you with dignity and respect and above all accept you for YOU.

All My Love,

xoxoxoxoxoxo,

BiPolarMania