Why Can’t I Be Bipolar AND Sexy Too, On Social Media?

One of my posts from Instagram.

This is a clapback post to all the bigots, judgers, sexists, misogynists and quite frankly asshole keyboard warriors with limited, prejudiced views. I recently been posting pictures on Instagram showcasing my body and a person who I recently reconnected with clearly did not agree with it and felt the need to express themselves in the most rude, obnoxious and bigoted way. I am writing this post to say firstly you can post whatever you want regardless of mental illness or mental health and secondly to those who don’t like it: unfollow, unsubscribe as you wish but please keep your opinions to your self! Below is an image of the email he sent me…

Let me address the more annoying part of this email I received first, “Women pose like this because they think it’s what men want to see and so becomes counterproductive and counter exploitative.” Last time I checked you were a man and therefore do not try to understand or underestimate why “women pose like this.” Contrary to this man’s opinion that I am being “attention seeking,” I am posing like this to demonstrate my strength and resolve. It has absolutely nothing to do with men and everything to do with women. I want women to see these images and be inspired to celebrate their bodies. If you got it, my god, fucking flaunt it! If you look through my Instagram you can see a plethora of “working out” and gym posts as I progressed from being overweight to being the fittest I have ever been in my life – Fuck You! Of Course I am going to celebrate and showcase that!

As for his comment, “#MeToo and equality gives you every right to pose as you wish” rattles me. First of all the #MeToo movement has nothing to do with sexy poses being posted on social media and everything to do with sexual harassment and violence. To equate the “MeToo” movement to me having the freedom to pose “as I wish” is ignorant and negates the genuine motives behind this movement.

In 2006, the “me too.” Movement was founded by survivor and activist Tarana Burke. Burke wanted a way to empower women who had endured sexual violence by letting them know that they were not alone—that other women had suffered the same experience they had. In 2017, the #metoo hashtag went viral and woke up the world to the magnitude of the problem of sexual violence. The ‘me too’ Movement believes in the radical possibilities of a movement against sexual violence led by survivors. In 2017, the phrase was reintroduced by actress Alyssa Milano as a way to encourage women and men to share their stories as part of an anti-sexual harassment movement.

On the afternoon of Oct. 15, 2017, the actress Alyssa Milano tweeted a request to her followers: “If you’ve been sexually harassed or assaulted write ‘me too’ as a reply to this tweet.” Within 24 hours, her post generated thousands of replies, comments and retweets and inspired thousands more original posts on social media, with women and men from around the world sharing personal stories. Among the celebrities who responded were Lady Gaga, Viola Davis, Javier Muñoz and Evan Rachel Wood. But many women who were not household names also spoke out: nurses, teachers, engineers, florists, waitresses and students — mothers and daughters, sisters and wives. Some opened up for the first time about being raped. Others told of fending off aggressive co-workers and losing jobs.

I am not a victim of either sexual harassment or violence and never claimed to be nor do I hide behind a hashtag to “excuse” my posts. I do not have to excuse myself for celebrating my body and how far I have come in my fitness journey. I felt like this man emailing me was implying #MeToo opened the door for me as a woman to post anything and “get away with it.” This is a strong misunderstanding of the motives behind the movement which are to give power and a voice to sexual assault, abuse, and harassment victims. I do not need to hide behind any movement or organization as a scapegoat for my actions because they are just that, MY actions. I act with intention and consideration. I do not think, for example, my posting provocative pictures hurts my mental health community or perpetuates stigma.

Another frustrating part of this man’s emails and messages was him mentioning my mental illness as a reason not to post these types of pictures and that I am essentially giving people with Bipolar a bad name. First of all, what the fuck does mental illness have to do with this? Secondly, just because I advocate for mental health and fighting stigma does not mean I can’t be “sexy” while doing it. In fact, I’d argue it’s fighting the stigma more because I am showing that yes, a person with mental health issues can display their body with self-confidence too. There is no shame in putting it out there if you feel comfortable doing it. What separates me from every other woman on Instagram posting sexy pictures? – That I am Bipolar? I do not see this man attacking or sending them condescending messages.

He calls me “vulnerable” because why? I dare to post a picture in a bodysuit or my underwear? And can we address that for a second – women post full nudes with exposed nipples on Instagram and this man is attacking me for modelling lingerie? So I guess I am a “Tramp” then? (his words, not mine) I am not promiscuous and stand for a lot more than this man is giving me credit for. I stand for freedom of expression above anything and these pictures are just that – an expression of my body. If showing off my body – something I worked really hard for – makes me look “vulnerable and needing attention” then so be it. Except it does not, it demonstrates I am comfortable in my own skin, something in my opinion that is vital to good mental health.

When I did not respond to his rude email, he felt the need to direct message me on Instagram days later

“And if people know you are bi-polar it doesn’t really help you or people with your condition…” was probably the part of this man’s email that infuriated me. People with Bipolar are just like anyone else in that we too have different interests and personalities. I can be Bipolar AND interested in modelling lingerie and posting sexy pictures – that’s just me. My illness will never stop me from pursuing something I enjoy nor will the stigma towards “people with your condition” as he so eloquently put it. I never realized celebrating my own body would upset somebody so much to the point they had to send not one, but two nasty messages.

According to PsychCentral, mental health advocates “are the individuals who tirelessly share their stories in all sorts of ways. They remind us that we’re not alone in our struggles—and there is real, tangible hope and healing. They shatter stereotypes and myths about mental illness, helping the public see that people with mental illness are just people.” Let me hone in on the following part, “helping the public see that people with mental illness are just people.” I am a person first, above anything else, a person who likes to share my progress on social media. This has culminated in my most recent posts in lingerie demonstrating the epoch of my fitness journey. I worked hard to get to the point where I am comfortable putting it all out there. . I am also a sensual person who likes to get in touch with their sexy side when posing for the camera. People with mental illnesses can be sexy too and it doesn’t make us any less of a person or mental health advocate for wanting to display that.

I have an extremely positive body image and I demonstrate it through my lack of reluctance to post these pictures on the Gram. “Most people have a negative body image, with up to 72% of women and 61% of men report being unsatisfied with their bodies (Fiske et al., 2014). Having a negative body image can impact our mental health. For instance, body dissatisfaction is related to lower self-esteem (Tiggeman, 2005), depression (Keel et al., 2001), and disordered eating (Goldfield et al., 2010).” Showing you can feature your body publicly encourages others to explore theirs and sometimes inspire them to own the body they do have. I want to celebrate what I worked consistently towards and acknowledge I fucking done good! It was not always like this which is why I am posting these pictures – to prove a point that hard work and dedication pay off. My Instagram is also full of pictures leading up to this moment, ones where I am red and sweaty from having exercised and ones where I am heavier preaching the same body positivity. The fact is I love my body no matter what size it takes but I will admit I enjoy this extra fit version of myself currently because I am mother fucking STRONG.

I am literally the strongest I have ever been and yes, I am proud, and yes, I want to showcase that.

I think if anything I am showing that people with mental illness do not fit in these neat little boxes. Being a mental health and illness advocate should not mean you do not get to express your “sexy” side if you have one and want to flaunt it. I should not be taken any less seriously because I am a young woman who likes to show off her body. However, I know it doesn’t work that way, people are judging me not only for posting those pictures but also judging me by my looks. Just because I am an attractive young woman who likes to post “liberal” images of herself does not imply I am lacking intelligence or do not have anything of value to say. Stop judging books by covers and stop trying to belittle women or imply they are a “slut” for celebrating their bodies on social media. I am confident in my own skin despite struggling with a mental illness and quite frankly it suggests confidence and self-esteem I can post these pictures but not only that, it demonstrates my integrity to this esteem in not taking them down the minute somebody did not like the idea of them being out there. I am going to post whatever the fuck I want or feel comfortable sharing on social media because that’s who I am – a person with integrity who will not let some man tell me what or what I should not be posting.

As for me regretting this “later in life,” I can’t help but laugh. I don’t believe in regrets and I strongly believe in living for the moment. This moment in time I felt compelled to share those pictures and not for whatever misguided reasons people assume when associated with sexy pictures. These pictures represent something for me – this moment – when I felt the most confident and secure in my body image. I’d honestly regret not posting them because then I’d be left wondering, “Did I not post them because I was afraid of the opinions of others?” I feel and look the best I have ever felt in years and damn straight I want to share that. I want to look back on these pictures and remember how confident, sexy and strong I was in THIS moment. No regrets, I won’t look back. You can call me a slut, tramp, mindless Instagram Babe or whatever suits your fancy but just know I ain’t here for it. Your name calling and condescending opinions will never censor the content I put out which is authentically me. I AM Bipolar AND sexy too but I won’t apologize for it. I also will not allow people to belittle me into thinking I am any less or that I am not a good person or a good mental health advocate because I display my body. You’re simply ignorant in my opinion if you think the two some how correlate. I am a woman above all else with the freedom to post or not post whatever the fuck I want. If you don’t like it, hit the unsubscribe button quietly then walk away and please keyboard warriors, just get out of my fucking face!

Stay Sexy,

All My Love,

xoxoxoxoxxoxo,

BiPolarMania

So I’m Off My Antidepressant…

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A Picture of my view. Yes, I drink red bull and flaming hot Doritos, What of it??

After about a year of being on Cipralex, a popular antidepressant, I decided with the help of my family doctor to wean off the medication. I was on a lower dose of about 10mg and it was causing weight gain and hypersomnia. Now that being said, it may be a drug that could work for someone else. My brain however was experiencing adverse side effects like lethargy and lack of ambition or goal seeking behavior. So I decided to wean off it with the help of my doctor because it wasn’t really helping me with my anxiety which was the entire point of being on it. I am also on a monthly injection of abilify, an anti-psychotic, which keeps my bipolar disorder in check and keeps me from becoming manic. This means my mood is already managed and I can afford to decrease my anti-depressant safely.

I have also had horrible experiences with anti-depressants making me psychotically manic and therefore welcome the opportunity to try and live with out them. I will never however stop taking my monthly dose of anti-psychotic. I have had the worse experience with antidepressants when my psychiatrist decided to treat my bipolar disorder with only two antidepressants: Wellbutrin and Cipralex, and no anti-psychotic. Let’s just say…I went fucking psychotic. I believed I was a celebrity with millions of dollars and tried buying just about everything and anything I could think of – from wine tours to mustang convertibles. I ended up of course in the psychward when I could not put my money where my mouth was. The point is anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer for a bipolar person equals disaster.

And you’re probably wondering well how are you feeling? Now that you’ve weaned off your anti-depressant? Well I feel great some days and horrible on the rest. But that has more so to do with my choices in life and I am not particularly proud of them lately. However, I have decided to be more positive and start to make small changes in my life to gradually bolster my mood. I believe, no I know, that if I can change my attitude and take more responsibility for my actions then I will have less anxiety and be less depressed. Some of these changes are to quit smoking pot and cigarettes, to do more physical exercise and yoga, to go to regular counseling and to create more art, whether that be blogging, photographing or painting, drawing, etc.

I am starting to regain some focus and drive now that I have weaned off Cipralex. I am volunteering more of my time to various organizations. One organization is art-focused which allows me to reconnect with my education and background in art history and the arts in general. I am creating more art and am just beginning to sell some of it. When I was asked why I wanted to volunteer there, I replied “I simply love being around art. If I could, I’d be around it all day.” I have decided to work on my artistic ambitions more so than ever before because any time invested in something I love is not a waste in my opinion. I love creativity and seek to be around it everywhere I go. For example, I bought this new tablet/laptop in hopes that I may be able to blog more which brings me to my last and final statement: I will be blogging much more!