It’s been two months since I’ve smoked the reefer which as Ive mentioned in previous blog posts is the longest time I have gone without in over five years. I so far have experienced no side effects, however, I did notice just recently within the past week I sometimes feel depressed in the morning and on two occasions it overwhelmed me to the point of staying in bed til late afternoon. I think this has more to do with my fear of the day because I honestly don’t know what to do with myself.
Before when I was smoking dope I did not care that I was jobless or lacked goal-directed behavior. I only really ever thought about my next high and where it was going to be coming from. Now, I am sober and painfully aware of the goals I had been neglecting like to get my full license and return to school. Unfortunately due to erroneous amounts of debt I owe I would need a steady job to even consider these goals. So I decided to get off my ass and meet with an employment counsellor and have started applying to jobs which I have not done in about two years! Being sober has really cleared my mind and made me able to see and plan a road map to achieve my goals. Getting a job is a first really good start to achieving these goals and is a goal in itself – to be employed.
I am proud of myself for even thinking of returning to the workforce because as a person with a really inhibiting disability it is honestly no easy feat. I am now more aware of my limitations after having worked in customer service for over 8 years (for example I could never be a waitress again….just can’t do it!). I have real bad anxiety when working, constantly paranoid that I’ll be fired to the point I just end up quitting before I believe they’re gonna let me go (I know this is my bipolar spiralling). I will be looking for these anxious red flags and doing some CBT to work through them. I need to look at things objectively and not be so harsh on myself which is easier said than done, I know!
Another thing I would like to work on and am painfully aware of now that I am sober is my finances. I would like to start writing a budget and challenge myself to actually stick with it each month. But unfortunately new expenses each month keep popping up like the new medication and eyedrops I need for my allergies. I’ve never had allergies in my life and then I get them so bad to the point no over the counter or covered allergy medication works so I am stuck paying out of pocket each month for that. I realize I am making excuses with my spending habits and justifying spending money on senseless shit. I will admit I am a bit of a brand whore and am a little materialistic. But I am going to start documenting everything and everywhere I spend my money to at least be more hyper aware of what I am wasting my money on and what I think is so much more important than saving for driver’s ed.
The point of this post is to discuss what two months sobriety feels like and I’ll be honest it feels a little like hitting a wall. You’ve sobered up enough to realize what you should be doing but you’ve been high so long avoiding doing anything that actually getting going again feels impossible. I am taking very small steps to get where I need/want to be and getting sober which actually the biggest step I took to achieving my goals because now I am in the right headspace to work towards and build up goals. Being Sober is Scary cause you’re painfully aware of what is lacking and you don’t have a substance to fill up that space so you have no choice but to confront…confront your life and start conquering it.
All My Love, Your Sober Buddy and Confidante,